Missing NYC: The Jackie O Reservoir in Central Park

Missing NYC: The Jackie O Reservoir in Central Park.

I am still searching for the perfect sentence to describe my New York experience. In the meantime I will borrow some, Speaking to my heart… more often than not. I give you Delistraty!

 

Enjoy with an afternoon thunder shower and a cappuccino ūüôā

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On a journey

When I began to walk this path I was lost, sad and afraid. Consumed by my disposition, locked in by my feelings of being stuck in one place physically and emotionally, I felt a lone and disconnected. Disconnected from the world, people and as I would soon realise, disconnected from myself. ¬†There was a negative energy surrounding me and within me, eating at me like a disease. ¬†Hollowing me out from the inside. ¬†The more external pressure I put on myself to change my life, to move forward, to do something… anything, the more I resorbed internally. ¬†Kind of like a tooth funny enough. ¬†So I went through my days holding onto this external appearance of being whole and stable, when in actual fact I was riddled with inner conflict, noise and emptiness.

Over the past forty days I have changed, I have witnessed a change and I have begun to live through this transition. ¬†I am now more aware of each little alteration that I see and experience within myself. ¬†I don’t believe that this energy this authentic self which I am now wasn’t there inside of me all along, I know that it was. I know that it is inside all of every one. ¬†I just had to be prodded and pushed towards this awareness, so that I could connect to who I really am, to my Self and my Soul.

Forgiveness

The first step was forgiveness, I forgave myself.  I let go of all the grievances with in me, my feelings of resentment towards my body, my health, my life path, my ego and the importance that I had placed on it through out my life. I forgave myself of my fear and anxiety. I forgave the decisions I made which were never consciously thought through and never made from a place of truth.  I forgave the words and thoughts which I was never able to articulate.  Then I let go of the fear and anxiety, the sadness that was attached to all these grievances. I accepted responsibility and accountability for all the choices I made, for all the decisions in all the stages of my life, the interactions and counteraction which lead me to this point.

Gratitude

Then I became grateful. ¬†Practicing gratitude is a wonderful thing. ¬†Daily… I acknowledged gratitude and gradually I began to notice a shift from being grateful for external ego driven elements (wealth and possession) to a higher self, spiritually driven gratitude. I was grateful for the light and warmth that began to emanate from inside of me.

Creativity

Suddenly I had an abundance of free energy and the time for awareness. ¬†I began to unpack… my past, things I was holding only subconsciously, consciously. ¬†I started to identify all the walls I had built up to keep energy out, to keep myself inside. Acknowledging that the bricks that made the walls were all filled with grievances and now they were empty enough to be blown away. ¬†I found an outlet for pent-up creative energy. ¬†A creative expression which I had conflicted my entire adult life came through in my voice, my music. ¬†I found freedom of expression, free of fear. ¬†Fear that was associated with judgment, criticism and the opinions of others. ¬†This creative energy translated and infiltrated into all aspects of my life, I realised the creativity of my work. ¬†The ability to create something beautiful in each moment, I knew that my vocation had the potential for this… I believe that I am now able to freely dive into it.

Passion

What is your passion? what are you passionate about they would always ask me. ¬†Can passion not be a free concept? I would always wonder when I was asked this. ¬†Let me explain… Is passion not love? so then if you do everyone with love, then are you not passionate about your actions. ¬†Fill your days with intention and purpose and love, each and every action grows from love, a love inside of you and a connection. That is passion… and I am passion. ¬†Only good can come from honest love… even if it is just a good lesson.

Challenge

I accept the challenges, I thrive on them and am excited by them now.  I know that each and every moment is as it should be right now.  I just have to be conscious of my soul and the lesson.  I need to be aware of my energy in every challenge.

Awareness

As soon as I felt the light and warmth inside of me, I became aware of myself and was able to step out of myself and the selfish all-consuming darkness that consumed me.  I began to notice the people around me, to actually listen.  My soul searched form a connection inside of them, a connection with their true self, their soul.  In a non-judgemental way I began to realise that everyone is on their own journey and a lot of people out there, just like I was, are not even aware of it.  I began to timidly offer help, to highlight some of the darkness that I noticed in them, that I had experienced within me.  I maybe all the people I love and all the souls that I interact with that I am blessed with leave my being better than when they found me or I found them.  Maybe I receive from their energy and I am also able to give back. To exchange.

Synchronicity

Life started to become harmonious and a melody began to play. ¬†This was accompanied by synchronicity. ¬†I am aware and present but at the same time free of worry, I let go of worry. ¬†Allowed the “let love” principle into my life. Suddenly I noticed little “co-incidences” as they began to unfold… awake and aware. ¬†Opportunities opened up, and I jump at them. I jump at the challenges like a leopard sitting in a tree… perched and ready. ¬†I learn.

I found my voice and the ability to express myself, to maintain my energy in conflicts and retain control balanced by the letting go of the incessant need to control external factors.  All the books I have read, the philosophy the poetry, eastern and western begin to make sense, they find a place to grow and live.  In this light I can see and understand better, I  possess love, love for a higher power, love for a power within me.  Every action, step and thought grows from this love.  This love is a direct link to my higher power to my spiritual connection.

Silence and stillness

Daily mediation and silence, turns off the noise and reminds me of the stillness with in and the silence.  The place without noise is where I connect and reconnect to my core and soul. Where I can restart if I begin to feel a little uneasy a little wobbly  because I am human and the body, the mind, life is a wave a beautiful unexpected, unpredictable wave.  This is where balance and harmony exist.

Health

My body is a vessel for propagation of a service, a service to humanity, a service to god. ¬†I welcome my adversity and the challenges that comes with my vessel. ¬†It is as it should be… and why? why shouldn’t it be this way? ¬†I take control of each and every cell in my body and restart, recharge as I go along. ¬†I am in a better space to accept the challenges.

In the beginning I found it difficult to identify 5 things that made me happy every day.  It was something that I had to think about and search for at the end of each day.  Now I am overwhelmed by and abundance of joy, joy in each moment which is accompanied by so much gratitude.

Habit

Moving forward all my little practices well become my habits. ¬†My decisions will resonate in truth and authenticity, laden with consciousness. ¬†My soul is my guiding light. ¬†I trust… I trust myself, I listen because I am now able to hear. ¬†I see because as I walls out into the darkness free of fear, I carry the light with me. I am the light. The light is love.

XOXO

Mary

A no-named slob

Doors closing and windows opening, reasons and thoughts, the path laid out, the path you choose. The question of why and what not. Having a plan and having no plan. Paddling against the ever changing current¬†and then losing your paddles, finding the strength to use your arms to paddle. Jump ship and try swim, get a cramp, tread water. You’re moving, every muscle, every breath is active, your tired and running out of energy and yet you’re not going anywhere.

Is this life or is it just your twenties? 

Nietzsche proposes that the questions you ask yourself, the why I am I here? and the What am I doings? are what keep us alive, define our species and separate us from dogs. ¬†It’s the fear of stagnation that elicits anxiety forcing you start to become pro-active in your choices and activities. Complacency is the worst kind of drug out there and the only way to break the habit is to embrace the anxiety, make a choice and follow through right?

So you make a choice and be productive in your search, you try and try and then you try a little more, chin up and what not. Because nothing great is ever easy and no one ever gets what they want the first time. Starting to sound familiar, you have to stop yourself when you start to notice that the conversations you have with yourself are starting to become a little toxic, that there are demons inside, which I honestly think we all have, these demons begin to colonize the positivity that you try to nurture. 

Then you start to separate yourself from people, because obviously isolation is a great place for demonic growth and you would much rather deal with that than the energy draining task of being a “true phony”. Because where ever you go and what ever you do nothing fits, nothing feels right.¬†

The books you read, all the philosophical guidance, the meditation and yoga practice guide you to harness the energy and visualize the change, that actually you hold the power and control. ¬†The universe is waiting for you to synchronize and connect to become one, above and beyond any material, ¬†ego driven desire of purpose all you really want is to feel that connection with your inside self to find a peace that resonates in your being and thereby in your action. The power of now says that you have to focus on each moment and be accepting of the moment and whatever it brings. Theoretically this all makes sense, you’re able to internalize and intellectualize it all. ¬†But the demons… and life. Oh life, kicking you around like a hacky sack, you feel guilty and greedy for wanting more, you know that there are people worse off, you know that in actual fact you don’t have a proverbial leg to stand on so just grow a pair and get on with it.¬†

He’s all right! Aren’t you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven’t got the right to give him one. We don’t belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don’t want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I’m not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It’s like Tiffany’s.

 

Take it! take the kicks and search for the patience, believe and visualize. ¬†The thing you’re searching for is searching for you.

 

 

 

The scent of autumn

There is a distinct scent that wafts through the air just as the sun lowers on autumn evenings. The crispness of the air and the warmth of the orange glowing sun create a sensation that makes me think of maple syrup streams.

Stop… Take it all in. Autumn brings with it a whole new bout of anxiety. Stop! I keep having to check myself at every corner, I feel as though time is running away from me and as much as I know what I want and where I want to be, I’m still standing still.

Still and anxious.

Stop!

Breath! Don’t forget that while you are here, you’re still alive and that should count for something.

Start again!

The mean reds: April 14

April 14

there is no inner thinker behind thoughts, no doer behind actions, no seeker of enlightenment. Seeking occurs on its own when the time is right, and it emerges as a focus of attention. All aspects and qualities of consciousness are self actuating and energize each other under the general direction of the will

David. R. Hawkins

All the answers, all the questions come from the same place. They’re from you and of you. You are what you seek, it’s just timing and patience and room to grow that opens up the Pandora’s box like chamber, of truth that lies within you. You have to have that experience, make that mistake… Make it twice even. Be positive, be negative, sad or happy… You have to feel it in the depths of your core to know yourself, to rather grow yourself. And when the timing is right you’ll find the answer. Honestly though I think that once find it, I would want it to be followed by another question

The mean reds: day 7

Nothing but silence, a flickering candle and the scent of vanilla.
This is where I begin, naked soul… Heightened senses. Solitude.
There’s a dog barking, the sound of an engine starting up and idling… A ladies voice.

I seek to control my senses, to bring my focus back… Back to my emptiness, my darkness, my solitude.

April 7

Awareness is a quality of consciousness itself that is not encumbered by having to “do” anything. It just “is”, and by virtue of its innate capacity, apprehends essence directly. The presence of Divinity as Self is effortless

David. R. Hawkins

The mean reds: a weekend

April 4

” freedom is the opportunity to fashion one’s own destiny and learn to inherit spiritual truths that are essential. For merit or demerit to occur, the choices have to be made in a state of belief and experience to be considered “real”. Thus the illusion subserved spiritual growth, for it seems real at the time.”

April 5

” to consistently choose love, peace, or forgiveness leads one out of the house of mirrors.”

April 6

” human life subserves the spirit. The world is less painful to witness if it appreciated as the ultimate school wherein we earn salvation and serve each other through our own lives”

David R Hawkins

Nothing to add, just some introspection tonight.