Doors closing and windows opening, reasons and thoughts, the path laid out, the path you choose. The question of why and what not. Having a plan and having no plan. Paddling against the ever changing current and then losing your paddles, finding the strength to use your arms to paddle. Jump ship and try swim, get a cramp, tread water. You’re moving, every muscle, every breath is active, your tired and running out of energy and yet you’re not going anywhere.
Is this life or is it just your twenties?
Nietzsche proposes that the questions you ask yourself, the why I am I here? and the What am I doings? are what keep us alive, define our species and separate us from dogs. It’s the fear of stagnation that elicits anxiety forcing you start to become pro-active in your choices and activities. Complacency is the worst kind of drug out there and the only way to break the habit is to embrace the anxiety, make a choice and follow through right?
So you make a choice and be productive in your search, you try and try and then you try a little more, chin up and what not. Because nothing great is ever easy and no one ever gets what they want the first time. Starting to sound familiar, you have to stop yourself when you start to notice that the conversations you have with yourself are starting to become a little toxic, that there are demons inside, which I honestly think we all have, these demons begin to colonize the positivity that you try to nurture.
Then you start to separate yourself from people, because obviously isolation is a great place for demonic growth and you would much rather deal with that than the energy draining task of being a “true phony”. Because where ever you go and what ever you do nothing fits, nothing feels right.
The books you read, all the philosophical guidance, the meditation and yoga practice guide you to harness the energy and visualize the change, that actually you hold the power and control. The universe is waiting for you to synchronize and connect to become one, above and beyond any material, ego driven desire of purpose all you really want is to feel that connection with your inside self to find a peace that resonates in your being and thereby in your action. The power of now says that you have to focus on each moment and be accepting of the moment and whatever it brings. Theoretically this all makes sense, you’re able to internalize and intellectualize it all. But the demons… and life. Oh life, kicking you around like a hacky sack, you feel guilty and greedy for wanting more, you know that there are people worse off, you know that in actual fact you don’t have a proverbial leg to stand on so just grow a pair and get on with it.
He’s all right! Aren’t you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven’t got the right to give him one. We don’t belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don’t want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I’m not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It’s like Tiffany’s.
Take it! take the kicks and search for the patience, believe and visualize. The thing you’re searching for is searching for you.
beingaudreyhepburn 