When I began to walk this path I was lost, sad and afraid. Consumed by my disposition, locked in by my feelings of being stuck in one place physically and emotionally, I felt a lone and disconnected. Disconnected from the world, people and as I would soon realise, disconnected from myself. There was a negative energy surrounding me and within me, eating at me like a disease. Hollowing me out from the inside. The more external pressure I put on myself to change my life, to move forward, to do something… anything, the more I resorbed internally. Kind of like a tooth funny enough. So I went through my days holding onto this external appearance of being whole and stable, when in actual fact I was riddled with inner conflict, noise and emptiness.
Over the past forty days I have changed, I have witnessed a change and I have begun to live through this transition. I am now more aware of each little alteration that I see and experience within myself. I don’t believe that this energy this authentic self which I am now wasn’t there inside of me all along, I know that it was. I know that it is inside all of every one. I just had to be prodded and pushed towards this awareness, so that I could connect to who I really am, to my Self and my Soul.
Forgiveness
The first step was forgiveness, I forgave myself. I let go of all the grievances with in me, my feelings of resentment towards my body, my health, my life path, my ego and the importance that I had placed on it through out my life. I forgave myself of my fear and anxiety. I forgave the decisions I made which were never consciously thought through and never made from a place of truth. I forgave the words and thoughts which I was never able to articulate. Then I let go of the fear and anxiety, the sadness that was attached to all these grievances. I accepted responsibility and accountability for all the choices I made, for all the decisions in all the stages of my life, the interactions and counteraction which lead me to this point.
Gratitude
Then I became grateful. Practicing gratitude is a wonderful thing. Daily… I acknowledged gratitude and gradually I began to notice a shift from being grateful for external ego driven elements (wealth and possession) to a higher self, spiritually driven gratitude. I was grateful for the light and warmth that began to emanate from inside of me.
Creativity
Suddenly I had an abundance of free energy and the time for awareness. I began to unpack… my past, things I was holding only subconsciously, consciously. I started to identify all the walls I had built up to keep energy out, to keep myself inside. Acknowledging that the bricks that made the walls were all filled with grievances and now they were empty enough to be blown away. I found an outlet for pent-up creative energy. A creative expression which I had conflicted my entire adult life came through in my voice, my music. I found freedom of expression, free of fear. Fear that was associated with judgment, criticism and the opinions of others. This creative energy translated and infiltrated into all aspects of my life, I realised the creativity of my work. The ability to create something beautiful in each moment, I knew that my vocation had the potential for this… I believe that I am now able to freely dive into it.
Passion
What is your passion? what are you passionate about they would always ask me. Can passion not be a free concept? I would always wonder when I was asked this. Let me explain… Is passion not love? so then if you do everyone with love, then are you not passionate about your actions. Fill your days with intention and purpose and love, each and every action grows from love, a love inside of you and a connection. That is passion… and I am passion. Only good can come from honest love… even if it is just a good lesson.
Challenge
I accept the challenges, I thrive on them and am excited by them now. I know that each and every moment is as it should be right now. I just have to be conscious of my soul and the lesson. I need to be aware of my energy in every challenge.
Awareness
As soon as I felt the light and warmth inside of me, I became aware of myself and was able to step out of myself and the selfish all-consuming darkness that consumed me. I began to notice the people around me, to actually listen. My soul searched form a connection inside of them, a connection with their true self, their soul. In a non-judgemental way I began to realise that everyone is on their own journey and a lot of people out there, just like I was, are not even aware of it. I began to timidly offer help, to highlight some of the darkness that I noticed in them, that I had experienced within me. I maybe all the people I love and all the souls that I interact with that I am blessed with leave my being better than when they found me or I found them. Maybe I receive from their energy and I am also able to give back. To exchange.
Synchronicity
Life started to become harmonious and a melody began to play. This was accompanied by synchronicity. I am aware and present but at the same time free of worry, I let go of worry. Allowed the “let love” principle into my life. Suddenly I noticed little “co-incidences” as they began to unfold… awake and aware. Opportunities opened up, and I jump at them. I jump at the challenges like a leopard sitting in a tree… perched and ready. I learn.
I found my voice and the ability to express myself, to maintain my energy in conflicts and retain control balanced by the letting go of the incessant need to control external factors. All the books I have read, the philosophy the poetry, eastern and western begin to make sense, they find a place to grow and live. In this light I can see and understand better, I possess love, love for a higher power, love for a power within me. Every action, step and thought grows from this love. This love is a direct link to my higher power to my spiritual connection.
Silence and stillness
Daily mediation and silence, turns off the noise and reminds me of the stillness with in and the silence. The place without noise is where I connect and reconnect to my core and soul. Where I can restart if I begin to feel a little uneasy a little wobbly because I am human and the body, the mind, life is a wave a beautiful unexpected, unpredictable wave. This is where balance and harmony exist.
Health
My body is a vessel for propagation of a service, a service to humanity, a service to god. I welcome my adversity and the challenges that comes with my vessel. It is as it should be… and why? why shouldn’t it be this way? I take control of each and every cell in my body and restart, recharge as I go along. I am in a better space to accept the challenges.
In the beginning I found it difficult to identify 5 things that made me happy every day. It was something that I had to think about and search for at the end of each day. Now I am overwhelmed by and abundance of joy, joy in each moment which is accompanied by so much gratitude.
Habit
Moving forward all my little practices well become my habits. My decisions will resonate in truth and authenticity, laden with consciousness. My soul is my guiding light. I trust… I trust myself, I listen because I am now able to hear. I see because as I walls out into the darkness free of fear, I carry the light with me. I am the light. The light is love.
XOXO
Mary